ENIGMA

Amanda Caroline Johansen
- 22 year old escapist

Q
You're feeling all of it still to its core, which is you. I think it is not dead if it is still so alive in you, nor it should be called dead or you be called a ghost. I cannot understand how a person could change one's mind, if in love already. But if he seems so undeterred by what you're feeling, hoping that you've let him know, please know that granting him what he wishes is how you can let him one day miss your love.. I also have a feeling that you'll be okay.. everything will be okay.. soon
A

Thank you..thank you!

Everyone including myself keep telling me that it’ll be okay.. it’ll be okay soon. And i believe it, i do. But when night comes i just can’t keep believing because I don’t feel okay at all. Everything just falls apart, and i can’t keep holding it all together.

Q
It'd hv been such a delight to read these lines u wrote in reply in a fiction book, may evn hv been a bestseller.. But it's ur life n hence reading it sends chills down my spine. I cn present few "logical" arguments here, but it will eventually be insensitive of me and pointless 'cause you love a person so much n it's a beautiful thing, beyond reasoning or shit. I'd state facts rather: 1)a couple is not more than a single person for both r a fundamental unit; 2)love, if ever existed, nevr dies.
A

Your words means a lot! Thank you!

You’re right it could be in a book.. and even while i wrote it - it sounded so cliché but it’s real. Even though i wish it wasn’t. Love is real and it hurts. It’s a chance you take but you always seem to forget because you don’t want to think about when or if it’s going to end.. and that’s why you’re never prepared. You can’t prepare yourself for something like this if you’ve let another person in so deep. It’s like you’re on deep water and your life raft is being taken away from you. You’re in so deep and you have to tread water to keep your head above sea level and it hurts so much and sometimes you have to stop for a while when a wave comes and you sink under for some time. You keep your head up but you can’t seem to stop from sinking from time to time. And you know deep inside that he’s not coming to save you - but still you have that little glimmer of hope and you can’t let go of that. I want to tell him that i still love him and that i miss him like crazy but i know that it won’t change a thing. He won’t change his mind - he won’t ever say those words back to you again. Still you desperately want to tell him - because you don’t have anyone to tell besides him. It was always him.. and it still is. It’s like you’re walking around like a ghost of what once was. Like you have to carry all those memories and all that love that he has cast aside. You hold on because you don’t want it to vanish before you, like those 5 years has just disappeared. You hold on because you don’t want to forget - because it mattered.. and it still matters to you. You become a ghost of that lost love. And at the same time you feel everything slip away slowly and you try to grasp on to everything with all you have - it’s all you care about. 

Because the love you felt and the love you still feel is still so very real to you.

babygonzo:

j-unkk:

This is cool

we used these in art class in hs

babygonzo:

j-unkk:

This is cool

we used these in art class in hs

(via vildekaniner)

Q
five years are a lot. I cannot imagine how significant a chunk of your life must be feeling missing. It is not about investing in another person.. actually, this loss is over-shadowing your casual interactions with people for you know on the inside that you need people.. please don't assess people with an eye of investment. 5 years is so much that it is impossible to see them entirely as loss, it would be a big mistake to, I think.. u must have grown so much in 5 years.. to lament it? No.. right
A

You’re right.. and I have grown a lot but it feels like so much of that person is still with him, when he left he took so much of me with him. I’ve investet so much of myself in him that I feel like I have to start from scratch. Like I have to reinvent this whole new person and that’s hard.. Because I don’t know where to start. And right now I guess I don’t even want to. It just hurt too much - the slightest thought or a few word sends me crumbling. I’m better but i’m desperate to be around people, just to forget - to get away for a while. But it’s only for a while.. and when i’m alone everything overwhelms me and I just feel lost. I’ve built some kind of confidence in him, some kind of selfesteem - and it just disappeared with him. It’s hard to look at myself. He couldn’t give me the answers I needed and because of that I blame myself - that at some point I was wrong. I wasn’t what he wanted anymore - I couldn’t be enough for him. He’s my best friend. I still talk to him and see him once in a while, but i can’t seem to walk away without tears in my eyes because things aren’t the same anymore. I can’t touch him, I can’t act as natural around him as I used to. When I look at him I know I still love him, I love him with all my heart and that just doesn’t go away. And it seems everytime I walk away it seems more final than before, that I know each time the chance of us getting back together minimizes. It’s like a stab in my heart each time I realizes that he doesn’t love me while I love him with all I have still. 

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